A Big Howl


I couldn’t stop crying on my way to work this morning. Not a bad thing, and long overdue, perhaps. Maybe ‘it’s a girl thing’, but there’s nothing like a good howl to remind you that you’re alive. And it’s been a while for me, so it also reminded me that, yes, I have feelings and am in fact, a very emotional person. Now anyone who knows me knows that, but, I have to say, I’ve not felt much/shown as much for the last while…

I’ve had the weirdest/painful couple of months and haven’t had/perhaps made the time to ‘actually stop’ and er, let it all out. I guess it was also the result of my ‘introspective weekend’, culminating in the release of the last couple of months’ emotions…

I lost my best friend from high school in March this year [on International Women’s Day no less] and, while I’ve lost ‘various’ relatives and both my parents, her death really hit me hard. I guess ‘cos she was so young [30!], so positive, so strong and healthy, such a fighter, even ‘til the last day of her life, so appreciative of life/her family/people in her life, at the happiest point in her life, with so much left to give and experience… It still sucks, it’s still a great injustice, and still doesn’t seem real sometimes.

She loved the rain and there’s been a lot of rain lately, none more than this morning as I was driving to work, with the windscreen wipers flitting back and forth. It’s also the third anniversary of my mother’s death tomorrow and I’ve been thinking that, perhaps because of my friend’s more recent death, I’ve not been thinking about my mum of late. Or so I thought. It was only a few days ago that I was thinking, I haven’t thought of mum for a while, I must be ‘fully over it’, she must’ve ‘released me’, knowing I’m okay getting on with my life, etc. Mums never leave us, though, y’know. When the anniversary’s coming up I do get a bit introspective, but with so much going on this year, it’s been ‘incidental’, ‘in the background’. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, ‘for some reason’, I changed from listening to ‘my usual raucous cds’ in the car to, now don’t laugh, a bit of Faith Hill… On playing the opening track, There You’ll Be, this morning I just bawled. Tears were literally streaming down my face as I puttered along in peak-hour traffic on the freeway. Sappy as the lyrics may be, it reminds me of the strength of both my mum and Di, sadness that they’re gone, yet acceptance that they’re gone and appreciation of them in my life…

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When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I’ll be glad ’cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I’ll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there’ll always be a place for you
For all my life
I’ll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you’ll be

Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all
The strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

‘Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

Posted Just Because