E-mails to the Tourism Office


From Dustyshoes 2002
(Editors Note: Who knows if this is true, but it’s a good example of dry Aussie humor)

These questions about Australia from potential visitors were posted on an
Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the (actual!!) responses by
the Aussie website.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do plants grow ?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?(Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not…Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here & we’ll
send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
Au-str-tria, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney & is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.